Don’t worry, that’s an S.E.P.
It is so easy to get lost in trying to fix other people’s problems. My work is to focus on helping people solve their own problems, without getting lost in them myself. It isn’t always easy. I tend to be a fixer. I want to find solutions to problems. The difficulty with the desire to fix problems, is that I can’t fix anyone’s problems but mine. And one of the worst frustrations is when I see a problem that has an easy fix and I am powerless to do anything about it. It is heart breaking to just have to walk away, uttering the words “This is an SEP”.
On the other hand, knowing that I am not responsible for everyone else’s problems is a huge relief off my shoulders. I am a strong person, though I am not strong enough to bear the weight of all of the worlds problems on my shoulders. I am allowed to let things go that aren’t mind to carry.
It is important to know the difference between the problems that are mine, those that I need to spend time, effort and energy on, and those that are not mine. It is important that I allow myself to prioritize my own difficulties and problems above those of others. It is also important to know when I have lost myself in the problems of others. If I find myself saying “If she/he would only”, I have probably lost myself in her problems.
Sometimes we need to take a step back. We need to see that the problems we are focusing on are not ours. When we become so focused on someone else’s problems we truly are lost. It can be heart wrenching to watch loved ones or friends suffer, especially when you see a simple solution. The true reality is that sometimes we have to let go. We have to look, recognize that we are seeing an SEP, and walk away.
Where the dark-edged sickle cannot go
The Song of the Lark
The song begins and the eyes are lifted
But the sickle points toward the ground,
its downward curve forgotten in the song of she hears,
The sun lifts on cool air,
The small body of a singing lark.
The song falls, the eyes raise, the mouth opens
And her bare feet on the earth have stopped.
Whoever listens in this silence, as she listens
Will also stand opened, thoughtless, frightened
By the joy she feels, the pathway in the field
Branching to a hundred more, no one has explored.
What is called in her rises from the ground
And is found in her body,
What she is given is a secret even from her.
This silence is the seed in her
of everything she is
And falling through her body
To the ground from which she comes,
It finds a hidden place to grow
And rises, and flowers, in old wild places,
Where the dark-edged sickle cannot go.
David Whyte
River Flow - New and Selected Poems.
That's fine for YOU, but what about ME?
Have you ever noticed the double standard we have for ourselves? I remember before my divorce I held no judgment for the friends that were divorced, even my parents. I knew fully in my heart and head that the friends and family that had divorced were better off. Divorce was OK for everyone else. But I was ashamed of my divorced status. It meant I was a failure. In one of my personal writings I wrote; “part of me felt like I had a big D written on my chest. "D for Divorced, D for deficient".” I had an absolute double standard, what was OK for everyone else, and what was OK for me.
A double standard I see frequently from clients is a belief that no one is perfect, and everyone is allowed to make mistakes, everyone but them. We already know that we are our own worst critics. Often the little foibles we see in others we don’t even give a great deal of notice to. The same foibles in ourselves become mountainous warts on our own character. It may be time to give ourselves a proverbial break. The standards we hold others to are not light. And yet we are more tolerant and forgiving of everyone else than we are of ourselves.
The conversations we have with ourselves tend to be cruel and harsh. The mistakes we make create an internal dialogue of words like “stupid” and “idiot”, along with many more. I see someone trip out on the trail around the lake here in Austin and I think; “I hope they’re OK”; I trip and I call myself a clumsy idiot. And while those are just words, and we all know; “Stick and stones may break out bones…etc”, words do have power. They create labels, and put us in boxes. Think of the word “slut”. “Clumsy” and “Idiot” also create a label, putting us in a box. Not a very nice one.
For the most part we allow those around us a great deal more leeway than we allow ourselves. This is not to say that we should become lax in our desire to hold ourselves to high standards, to be the best person we can be. It means that when our life doesn’t turn out the way it was supposed to, or when we trip and fall, we give ourselves the chance to learn from our mistakes instead of making those mistakes define us.
Who am I?
I don’t know how many people; clients and friends have said to me “I don’t know who I am”. I know at one point I had the same feeling, especially directly after my divorce. I remember feeling lost, as though my personality had been forged by the marriage and all of a sudden the thing that created who I was had been taken from me, and I had to “rediscover” myself.
I think one of the scariest things to realize is we never truly know who we are. I know who I think I am, and who I think I want to be. I know what I think I portray to others. And then I hear someone else describe who they think I am, and while it shares some similarities with my belief, it varies strongly in other.
Sakyong Mipham, in his book Turning Your Mind in to an Ally discusses the concept that our personalities are shadows. They are constructs of what we do and what we think. Our personalities are ever changing and thus we can never truly know who we are. We find out one portion of who we think ourselves to be, and in that instant another part of us shifts, creating an unknown part. Every day something happens to us that shifts our perspective just a tiny bit from where it was, creating more of an unknown.
I think instead of asking; “who am I?” we should ask ;“what are my values and my principles, and do I adhere to them”. Is one of my values to love my neighbor, and yet all I do is complain about other people, or laugh at their misfortune? Is one of my values honesty, but I avoid honesty anytime it makes me uncomfortable? If I am Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim, or Wiccan, do I live up to the standards I believe in, or do I pick and choose the ideals that are convenient to me at the time?
Who you are, what you believe, even some of your values will shift over time. When I was married the idea of camping held no interest. Today I don’t feel I go camping enough. When I was a kid I hated mushrooms, now I can’t get enough of them. Who you are today will not be who you are 10 years from now. The overall foundation will probably be the same, but the rest may have changed so much that you don’t recognize yourself. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We change.
When I hear “I don’t even know who I am” I hear; “I’m lost and I don’t know that I like myself anymore”. I sense a feeling of a lack of trust in emotions, wants, desires, values, and beliefs. This usually happens when a life change is about to or already has occurred. It is a place of transition. It is an amazing place for growth, to discover sides of the universe that you hadn’t seen before, and working to incorporate them in to your world. This is a place for rejoicing, as your eyes are opened in a new way, a new way to see people, events, even life itself. Even pain can create room for growth and renewal.
I can describe aspects of myself; I am a therapist, a girlfriend, a home owner, a liberal, a cat owner… but these to not truly explain who I am. These are aspects of the me that is, but who I am does not fit in to one single description or box. I know what I values are and work to live as much within those values as I can. Who I am truly is a shadow, shifting from moment to moment with my experiences. I honestly do rejoice now when I don’t know who I am, because I know that my world has expanded and I get to learn more than I even though I could. Being lost isn’t always a bad thing.
Hope even in the darkness
"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—
And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—
I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.
Emily Dickinson
The New Year is but days away. For many, this is a time of reflection, looking back at the past 365 days to see what we have done with our life. I have a couple of friends that look back on the past year with pain. For some, it has not been a good year. These friends mingle hope with dread; hope that the turning of the earth around the sun yet again will bring change, and dread that it will bring more of the same or worse. Looking at another year these friends forget what hope is. They look at the multitude of doors yet to be opened with cynicism instead of optimism.
I have a fortune-cookie fortune on my sink that says: “Even the longest of days will end”. Yet another way of saying “As with all things, this too shall pass”. These are not just hopeful sayings, they truth and reality. How many cliché’s can I fit in to this paragraph, such as “Change is the only constant”.
Life is chaotic. We never know what is going to come our way, and so hope is a must. The hope that we get to keep the beauty we have in our lives, and the hope that if there is little beauty that that will change as well. This is the time it is most important to keep hope alive. New Year, new opportunities and new chances mean the availability for great things.
Emily Dickenson was known for her poems about death. There is a beauty that she wrote about hope, avery poignant poem about something that keeps giving and never asks anything in return. Allow hope to stay with you, especially in to the New Year.
Another Lonely Christmas
I worked to keep traditions going for Christmas after my marriage, and even created a few new ones. Then when my marriage fell apart, I didn’t know what to do with my Christmas holidays. I didn’t have the resources to return to my family in Colorado, and they had their own plans already after me being married and gone for 10 years. My lonely Christmas came through the death of my marriage. There are many people who are facing a lonely Christmas holiday this year. Some for the same reason, and some through actual death in their life.
That first Christmas was difficult. While I am Buddhist so the spiritual aspect of the season is a bit different for me, the traditional and family aspect were so strongly ingrained in me I had a hard time finding a new meaning for the season. This Christmas, while I am in a relationship, I will be alone. It is no longer as difficult for me as it has been, but to take care of myself I purchased a special-to-me dinner (mushroom and goat cheese quesadillas) and have plans to get my dogs from my ex to keep me company, and to go rock climbing.
When a part of your life dies, whether through divorce or actual death the traditions in your life will change. The first Christmas without a loved one will be difficult no matter what. The stepping-stones of grief cannot be avoided. You will be required to create new definitions of the season. It will be important to surround yourself with the supports around you. If family and friends are not available (I often found that friends were busy with their own season traditions) volunteering can be a wonderful way to keep yourself busy and distracted while helping you feel better by helping others. Also allow yourself to splurge a little on self-care. When describing what I am doing for the day I found things I find interesting and fun, I found ways to take care of myself for the day. While I have long ago lost the former meaning I had attached I still feel a loss. I will make sure to take special care of myself, within my means, to go through the day.
The final thing I do is to keep myself as busy as possible during the days coming up to the holidays. Often the expectation of the season can be as difficult, if not more than the actual day itself. Christmas day and New Years Eve last for a total of 48 hours. While the day may seem to last forever, it actually doesn’t. The mood for the season starts being set long before December 25th rolls around and lasts a great deal longer. This is the time to re-connect with friends, old hobbies, and exercise.
The grief caused by the end of traditions can be amazing. Give yourself permission to do something special, and ways to keep yourself busy. Allow yourself the time and ability to grieve this. Understand that the holidays will be difficult for you no matter what, and work to take care of yourself during this season.
Yin and Yang
I often find myself stuck between the outside edges of Yin an Yang, I tend to be an all or nothing person. Right now I am in a Yang place. I am very active, working out several times a day, attacking everything I am going after. If I am not careful and I don’t balance, I will soon be in a Yin place, wanting to be more passive and calm. And if I am not very careful, “slackerish” is what will happen, where I will not work out at all for a month or so.
Are you like me, and when you are working out, do you work out too hard and too much? Do you find that you throw all of yourself in to something, to the determent of the rest of your life? Do you loose yourself in to anger or fear? Have you lost yourself in school, do you find that you are either dieting or gaining weight? The symbol of the Yin Yang is very accurate. There is balance in all things, and in all things there is a little of one in the other. When we over reach too far in to one or the other we create an imbalance that can be seen in the rest of our lives. If we delve to far in to any one thing, our friends, our spouses, our work, or our health will be neglected as we fall too far in to imbalance.
Everything has a too far. Even health and religion, believe it or not. Are you working to find a balance in caring for yourself, caring for your work, children, partner, even pets? Are you finding that you get lost in the black and white, all or nothing of life? Does the rest of your life end in suffering because you get lost too far in to one side or another?
I don’t know that I have the ultimate answer. I would love to patent it and sell it to you, but my hypocrisy would eventually come out. I do sometimes get lost in going to far in to one side or another. The question is: can you notice it when you are lost? Right now, admittedly, I am a little lost. I have started a new hobby and because it is active it makes it even more enjoyable in my quest for weight management and activity. As such I may be pushing my body further than it is capable of going. I can easily get lost in work, relationships, even my pets at times. I struggle at times with my own balance. At least though, I can acknowledge it.
Oops, My bad!
Have you ever thought about how much courage it takes to just admit to a mistake and try to fix it? Sometimes we have to back track pretty far in order to fix whatever we did, and it is frustrating, some times humiliating, and at times shameful. Strangely enough it can also be one of the most liberating things you do.
Last time I checked, none of us are perfect (as much as I tease my boyfriend that I am, of course, perfect at all times). We all make mistakes. That is why doctors have malpractice insurance, why we all have car insurance, and why companies such as Band-Aid make so much money (especially off of me). We live in a society that does not like to tolerate mistakes, especially with how litigious we are. Even I have an attorney that I sometimes run things by just to CYA. Running from accountability has almost become a national past time.
We all make honest mistakes from time to time. I am speaking of the truly honest mistake, the one where we act from the best in us, and it still seems to go bad (not the “Oops, I took all of your money and “invested” it overseas and you lose everything, my bad” mistake). And 99% of the time the best course of action is to admit the mistake, take the lumps that come with it, and learn and grow stronger. Wasn’t it Thomas Edison that said “I know 300 ways NOT to make a light bulb”? All of those mistakes, and going back, persevering, and learning from the lessons learned lead to the ability for me to work in my office right now, while it is dark outside.
Every once in a while you will make a mistake. Find the courage insinde of yourself to learn from it, to grow from it, and to admit to it and fix it. It truly enough is a liberating experience, as you learn that you ARE allowed to screw up. It takes a great weight off of your shoulders.
Don’t make two victims
But what happens when we give too much? I remember I was at a Business and You seminar. The lecture before lunch was "The more you give, the more you will get back in return". There was a very strong energy in the air of giving, of self sacrifice and of love. The belief is that with self-sacrifice the energy you put out will be returned to you in spades. After this heart warming lecture the main facilitator asked each of us to take a bill out of our wallets. This was about 15 years ago, before cash cards and credit cards were in common use, and in my walled I had a $5 and my drivers license. I knew that we were about to break for lunch, an I was skeptical as that $5 was my lunch money, with no other possibility for food in sight. The assistant facilitators then started clapping their hands and shouting the words "Pass, Pass, Pass, Pass". The energy was taken up by the group, and everyone was passing the money back and forth throughout each other. I notice that most of the money that is being passed is a $1, and as I struggle with wanting to be part of the group, with the energy of "give to get", and with the other attendee's that at times were angry and aggressive that I was not participating, I hold on to my $5, knowing that it is going to be a long afternoon if I lose it and don't get to eat. The co-facilitators are making noise and encouraging me to pass my money, the other people in the group are getting visibly agitated that I won't, and I am becoming increasingly anxious as I don't want to part with my $5 as I feel as though I'm a bad person for my selfishness. All of a sudden the primary facilitator claps his hands and states "All right everyone, lunch! See you in an hour!". I hear someone call out "I had a $20 out there, and that is my lunch money!" The response was "see you in an hour". I believe I went to Subway with my $5, and was incredibly grateful that I didn't give it away in the energy and frenzy of the moment.
Afterwards we were reminded that, while it does help you to give, giving away all you have doesn't help anyone. When you only have $5 for lunch, it isn't very smart to let go of that $5 just on the hope that it will come back to you. There is balance in all things, and giving too much is just as bad as giving too little.
Part of my job is to give of myself. I give my love, my effort, and my energy to my clients. And I know more than most the struggle of wanting to give more than I have. I have worked with kids that have asked me to drop them off at the church to see if the church is giving out food, so their family can eat for the day. I have worked with families that don't have shoes for the kids. I know that I have the resources to buy these families what they need, if only for a moment. And there is a part of me that feels selfish that I have what I need and don't give of my abundance to help others. I have also sacrificed my own desires, wants, and at times personality for my relationships. All of this has come at a price though. I find myself giving more and more of myself until I am unable to sustain even myself, let alone others.
In life guarding there is a saying: "Don't make two victims". If it is going to create a situation where it is likely that someone else will have to jump in to save you and the other person then isn't it better to keep from sacrificing of yourself? I have seen this happen financially and emotionally to clients and friends. I hear the words "I felt guilty that I didn't...." fill in the blank. I didn't call my dieing father, that I didn't help my destitute sister, that I didn't..... I have also seen the results of not setting boundaries and recognizing what one is capable of. Yes, your father is dieing, but you haven't created enough strength in and of yourself to be able to handle the fact that he molested you as a child and hasn't taken accountability for his actions. Yes, your sister is destitute, and if you give her the money to buy a new air conditioner for her house you drain your own resources so you don't have them for your family.
There is balance to giving of yourself, and taking care of yourself. It is a delicate swords edge to walk, and I fall on either side more often than I would like to admit. And I know for a fact, that if I don't set boundaries with the world around me and allow myself to take care of me, I will be sucked dry quicker than I can think.
Things to be Thankful for
- The way the sun reflects of the building across from me at sunset in the fall
- My demanding cats that show they love me by purring loudly by at 5:00 am, and licking my toes after I swim
- The way the air smells the morning after a rainstorm
- The things I have to loose in my life, because I have them
- All of the goals I haven’t met, because they give me directions
- The goals I have met
- My struggles, because keeping with myself through them shows I have strength
- The little tree in my back yard that has clung to life for 13 years and keeps on holding its ground
- The disagreements I have with my boyfriend, because each time we find compromise we become stronger together.
- The blue of the water, the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, the wind in the trees
- The small moments every day that provide surprising beauty, that all I need to do is open my eyes to see.
- The support of my family, even though they are states away from me, and we don’t always get along with each other
- The trials and struggles of my past, surviving them has made me the person I am today
Thanksgiving is not an American celebration. We are led to believe that the holiday is about the first pilgrims, but the Native American’s celebrated a similar feast every year in thanks for a good harvest. The Jewish faith has celebrated a similar Thanksgiving for centuries to celebrate their God, and Islam has several holidays that give thanks to and for God.
Giving thanks is not a new concept, and along the lines the day has lost a little bit of its meaning as it has become a day to watch football, get stuffed and get ready for Black Friday. In my family giving thanks happened for all of about 5 minutes before the stuffing of people actually started, and the rest of the day was dedicated to getting ready for the meal or cleaning up from the meal.
Because of the work that I do I have several clients that struggle to find things to be thankful for. Every single one of them misses the small things in their lives that are amazing and beautiful. I had this discussion with a client last night about having her child taken away from her by Children’s Protective Services. She was able to see that it placed her son in safety while she was able to find continued sobriety and an increasing strength in herself. She was able to give thanks for having the room right now to fail and learn from her failures if necessary while her son is safe.
Even our struggles help us on our path for growth, and often get us to someplace wonderful and amazing. It is only when we fall in to despair and forget that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that we get lost in the pain and don’t find the other side with the beauty. On this one day, can you see the things that are struggles in your life, that cause you pain and difficulty and find some way to reframe them in to beauty? That is true Thanksgiving. Being able to see the beauty in even the pain, and finding the little things that we sometimes miss.
